Step 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

I’ve done at least four 4th Steps in the last 7 years and I know the immense
weight that is lifted off you once you have completed this step and share it with your sponsor. It feels like a grand piano has been taken off my back and I am walking on a cloud. So why am I having a hard time doing a 4th Step this time around? I only have three resentments/harms to others It shouldn’t be that difficult.

The real truth is, I’ve completed most of the 4^th step. I’m just procrastinating on working the section on my ex-boyfriend. It’s easy for me to see my part and say I could not stop drinking; it’s was all my fault. But, that’s not the entire picture. For three and half years, I was happy to play the problem. Though, all this time I hid all of his secrets and allowed the world to think he was a hero for living and putting up with such a hardcore alcoholic. He had his own demons.

This was a man working a profession and could have lost his job if they knew his vices. And, me being a good co-dependent and person with low self-esteem just looked at my flaws and kept drinking thinking it was all my fault. Once he finally left me, because he could no longer handle my drinking, I was miraculously able to finally quit.

So again, why am I fearful to put this all down on paper? I’ve
shared these things with my sponsor and it’s no shock to her. Maybe I’m fearful that once I start to write it down, I’ll discover things I’ve never considered about myself and our relationship. Maybe I’m fearful I’ll go through some of the pain again. Though I’m in a new, wonderful relationship. There should be no reason for me to feel much pain. As they say in the rooms, I know I need to trust God and walk through this fear instead of staying stuck. Nothing will be better than to move forward and I cannot move on with my current relationship with this still lingering.

Besides, I want to get moving on my steps once more, so I can start sponsoring women again. This is one of the greatest gifts I get from being a  member of AA. I love to see newcomers get that spark in their eyes when they start to understand this language we speak and they get excited about the programs and principles behind the steps.