“Pray for the willingness, to be willing, if you’re not willing.”
– Heard In the Rooms

If you read my previous post about apartment hunting, you saw that I tried to quit smoking a while back. Unfortunately, I did not get the apartment and my attempt to quit smoking was not successful. My therapist asked me today, how willing I was to quit smoking. I figured I was about 90%. I still had some reservations. She suggested that I write a goodbye letter saying farewell to Nicotine in hopes that it would help me find that final 10% of willingness. So, here it goes:

Dear Nicotine:
You’ve been around my entire adult life and you no longer serve a purpose. You used to go hand-in-hand with drinking as a perfect partner in crime, but your partner left and I stopped drinking once and for all. Now it’s time for me to let you go.

Year after year, you bring me bronchitis and I have to rely on inhalers and sometimes even breathing treatments. You wake me up in the middle of the night with a hacking cough and disturb my sleep. When I try to enjoy hikes, you make me gasp for air. I saw you as my best friend that calmed me down during times of anxiety. You were my “go-to” when I couldn’t handle my emotions, but all you were was a crutch that caused me harm.

I’m full of fear that once I let you go, my friend, that I will replace you with something else; food, shopping or even drinking. I think the fear of drinking has scared me the most. Because of the AA program, I know that fear is false and I should walk through fear relying on Higher Power. Also, this time around I am well equipped and I am not just quitting on a whim. I have nicotine patches, nicotine lozenges and Wellbutrin. Most of all, I have my Higher Power to give me the strength to quit. Now I need to take the right actions and finally say farewell.

So, goodbye my friend. You have no chance with all of the tools I have by my side. I am eager to get rid of your smell from my clothes and your ash from my car. I look forward to saving $9 every day and a half to no longer hang out with you. Finally, I look forward to being able to take a deep, clean, refreshing, smoke-free breath. Ahhhh!